Get Your Hopes Up!

 For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.  2 Chronicles 16:9

Ever find it hard to identify what you're feeling until that certain song comes on and triggers a light-bulb moment?  I have been at a loss lately, as the days and weeks pass by.  Our little Leila is officially a Clevenger.  She's legally our daughter, the 5th member of our family, and yet still miles away over an ocean, during hurricane season!  Her recent birthday (September 16th) kind of knocked the wind out of me.  

So many people that I know and love are experiencing seasons of waiting, of heartbreak, of uncertainty.  Many others are on the brink of exciting new seasons of life.  Most of us though, find ourselves balancing the two.  Wins and losses.  Joy and grief.  A conversation yesterday reminded me how life events (especially repeated losses) can really make us weary.  

This year has had it's share of tears.  We said goodbye to Brady's beautiful Grandma Betty.  Last night I had the sweetest dream about her.  She was sitting and showing us different treasures she had collected over the years and telling us all of the special stories to go with.  It was such a vivid dream.  I hugged her tight and asked her not to go.  As the flaky wife of her grandson, I really do not deserve the privilege of this vivid dream, but I treasure it.  She was a humble, praying woman.  Oh, she loved her savior!  I hope to face the end as she did, hands held high in praise as she sang of standing in awe of her Lord.

Shortly after this, my childhood community lost a man whom I very much respected.  He invested in me back in the day, when I was a total brat.  My love for Jesus, my realization of how wrecked I was without Him, came in part because of the patient and early investment of this old friend and his amazing wife.  My heart still grieves this loss, along with many others who loved him.

Really as I recall these almost 4 years since we started the adoption process, many of the people we love have experienced big losses and many have experienced wonderful gains.  So much can happen in just a few years.  On my side we have experienced the joy of welcoming 4 new littles, even as our hearts still ached for the 2 who went straight to Jesus before we ever got to snuggle them.  We've praised God for growing the families of our friends, and cried out for Him to comfort friends whose families felt deep loss.  We've rejoiced as people we love have made decisions to live renewed in Christ, and cried out for others who are yet to do the same. 

 I guess I'm going into all of this because I have been afraid to hope lately.  That's not very pretty, is it?  We have been getting disappointing news adoption wise lately (mostly in regards to delays in bringing Leila home due to riots and the unpredictable timelines for the next couple of steps).  When I consider the big picture of why my heart is weary, in light of the length of this journey, and the hits along the way, I don't know why I didn't pinpoint this area of weakness right away.  It's sorta just been lingering as I've continued to read my Bible and pray, and go about the usual things.  I just haven't really been able to put a name to what's getting to me, until recently when this song kinda shocked me back to reality.  It's called, "Get Your Hopes Up" by Josh Baldwin.  Here are the words:

I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head up
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
He's brought us back to life
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In His mercy never ending
I'll remind myself

REFRESHMENT!  I was not crazy for having high hopes that Leila will know her Maker, and love Him with her life!  It's right and good and purposeful to have high hopes that the One who rose from the dead can take care of people and situations I have no power to help, or change!  The verse at the start of this blog (2 Chronicles 16:9) brought me much hope at an earlier time in our lives, and came back to me today.  The Lord is actively pursuing the weakened hearts of those who love Him so that He can strengthen us.  THIS BLOWS MY MIND!  We are going to experience No when we want a Yes.  We are going to have to say goodbye when we aren't ready.  We are going to face things that we would never handpick for our lives or the lives of our loved ones, but those of us who commit our hearts fully to Jesus will always have reason to get our hopes up.  His plan is a good one.  His heart is trustworthy.  His Mercy is new every morning.  I cannot wait to share these truths with our girl, and I'm thankful I get to share them with her brothers while we wait.  

WARNING: If you are not in the mood for run-on sentences, too many commas, feeble attempts at humor, or complicated details which may not be adequately unpacked, do not continue reading!

I really stink at blogging.  I'm pretty sure we hold some kind of record for most pathetic blog upkeep.  I apologize. Though we have neglected to maintain this blog, we have not forgotten your love, generosity, and support on this journey.  We are so thankful for your patience as this last year played out, and it definitely played out according to the Lord's best plan.  As usual, we were not given advance notice, but simply given the strength to trust Him as He worked!  July of last year, as I wrote about the way Christ wastes no time in our waiting seasons, I was out of the loop on what big changes and beautiful gifts He had in store for us.

Around the time of our last blog, we were becoming confused and concerned about the lack of information and forward progress taking place with our pre-match to a precious little one whom we had been pre-matched with since early summer 2015 ( about 14 months). If you remember (I know it's been awhile) prior to this match, we had been moving through the process pre-matched with a little girl whose father was able to take her back home.  So, after recent months of no change with our new match, and little cooperation or promise of change, we prayerfully considered how to act.  Finally, we were informed (after much persistent questioning)  that the little girl we were pre-matched to was still not fully adoptable.  Her living parent, who initiated  her daughter being adopted and had signed all paperwork and attended many scheduled appointments, was now not showing up to scheduled appointments or responding to any attempts at communication.  There were two different camps of thought to process about this information.  We chose to believe this was a situation of a precious Mama who was not ready to complete the relinquishment process, and by not following through was trying to buy time to bring her child back home. The other camp of thought, or explanation for this Mama's behavior was not very honoring of her, and we would much rather believe she behaved as she did with pure motives and love for her child.  

Over the last 3 1/2 years since we began,  we've been praying for the sweet one we were matched with, but even more specifically for the member of our family that the Lord planned to bring our way.  We learned pretty early on in the process to be flexible,  trusting that the Lord would answer our prayers and work on behalf of the little girl He wanted to place in our family.  This may seem calloused, but we have really learned to want God's perfect will, and when a heart is dedicated in that direction, change and disappointment in all different forms is easier to accept, and a beautiful perspective of hope, which some may call foolish, brings confident anticipation of seeing God's plan unfold.  We had hope that He would look after the little girl we were no longer going to be able to love on, and He would bring the one He had in mind all along- fulfilling our resolve for good and this work of faith by His power and for His glory (2 Thessalonians 1:11).  

He mercifully allowed us to see His plan unfold in no time at all!  We decided to petition the department who makes and approves matches (IBESR)  to match us with a  little girl who has already completed the court process.  Duh, right?  But in Haiti, this is a rarity as they are attempting to comply with new Hague adoption law and are really bogged down  in an already complex matching process.  Which basically means children who are ready to be adopted (court has declared them orphans) and waiting families who are already approved may not be linked up logically. We were informed that this was not a typical request and may not be looked upon favorably by IBESR because they want to maintain complete authority over the process and do not appreciate input or petitions.  We went ahead and sent our lawyer to make the petition.  We did not even know if there would be a ready child, or if so, the department would be willing to work with us or just send us back to the beginning.  In no time at all, we heard back that IBESR had granted our petition!  Our agency was surprised, as they had told us not to expect approval.  We were so thankful!!!

We learned our daughter's name, and saw her beautiful face for the first time on September 16th, 2016 (her third birthday)!  We were so thankful for the Lord's kindness towards us.  From that time on, things have flown by.  Despite a hurricane, lost paperwork, labor strikes, and other miscellaneous potential setbacks, we have seen timelines trampled on over and over again.  We received our official referral in late December and met our girl in person for the first time January 9th, 2017.  (Less than 4 months after meeting her on paper for the first time!)  Every detail of preparation for our 15 days at the orphanage with her (and apart from her brothers... sniffle) was blessed by the Lord.  There have been times when I have worked, knowing it pleased the Lord though it didn't feel easy.  But this was a time when I worked and prepared and went with less sleep, yet felt more fueled and efficient than usual.  Thank you Jesus!  He was evident in every detail of that time with Leila, and especially in an area very dear to my heart.  We had been praying that she would trust us, because trust is the foundation of love.  And not only did we see her grow to trust us, but by the time we had to go she was returning our love and showing it in her own sweet ways.  It's more than I could have asked or imagined. 

After returning, we were told our final important document to seal our match could be 7 to 14 weeks away.  Less than 2 weeks later, we had already received that document and sent off the Immigration paperwork that required it.  (That alone is another whole story of God's provision and obvious attention to detail).
Weeks later, despite USCIS ( U.S. Immigration) declining our first submission (due to a paper our agency printed out that should have been in updated form) we were able to turn in Leila's visa info and after that first appointment she received her Article 5 which kick started IBESR to completely exit us from their department.  This requires a review and 4 important signatures, which our agency said could take 6-8 months.  Yet, despite them losing our most recent immigration info and needing it to be sent in again, we received our official exit from IBESR just a few weeks ago!  We actually got this great news shortly before I went to spend 5 days with Leila recently ( I got home on Monday night, to a perfectly clean home and a big welcome home note on the chalkboard thanks to  my best friend/ husband and two precious boys who definitely know my love language!)  

Whew!  I just took a minute to reread all that, and I am tired of hearing my own self talk, so I'm sure it was a lot to take in for you guys.  Thank you for sticking with me through all of those details.  Believe it or not, we really only skimmed the surface of the past 10 months or so of this journey.  My heart's desire though, is that this one thing comes through loud and clear- We not only know who our daughter will be, but by the mercy of Jesus, we've even gotten to know her well and to finally lavish His love on her!  In the past year, we have gone from waiting without answers, but growing just the same, to watching things progress as they blurred by.  Now we are in a season of finalizing that has offered us two different timelines.  One, 6- 8 months, which frankly we're  pretty tired of hearing from our agency as it's  become a pat answer which really means they have no clue ;)  The other I heard while in Haiti this past week, was 3 to 4 months.  This came from the lawyer there, although it was not spoken to me directly.  I guess the point is, we still have some waiting to do, but in the meantime, we have this beautiful anticipation and growing relationship with our daughter to occupy the time. Brady has a great friend, the director of the library at the orphanage, who has graciously called us to talk face to face over the phone with Leila just about every month since we first visited.  This is not common, and we do not take it for granted.  

Thank you for sticking with us through these last several years of change and growth.  Time and time again, we've thanked the Lord for your generosity in it's many forms.  Your generous prayers, your generous invites to sit and talk or even cry together, your generous gifts which have helped with the many extra and unknown expenses,  your generous respect for our space and strengthening of our hearts through notes or texts, your generous faith in the Lord to accomplish something that is not easy, but is so worth it all.  I am humbled to be able to live this adventure of love, amazed that God can change and use a heart like mine that was once so selfish, but now thrives on the love He fills it with.   May the Lord refresh your hearts as you have time and time again refreshed ours.