Ever find it hard to identify what you're feeling until that certain song comes on and triggers a light-bulb moment? I have been at a loss lately, as the days and weeks pass by. Our little Leila is officially a Clevenger. She's legally our daughter, the 5th member of our family, and yet still miles away over an ocean, during hurricane season! Her recent birthday (September 16th) kind of knocked the wind out of me.
So many people that I know and love are experiencing seasons of waiting, of heartbreak, of uncertainty. Many others are on the brink of exciting new seasons of life. Most of us though, find ourselves balancing the two. Wins and losses. Joy and grief. A conversation yesterday reminded me how life events (especially repeated losses) can really make us weary.
This year has had it's share of tears. We said goodbye to Brady's beautiful Grandma Betty. Last night I had the sweetest dream about her. She was sitting and showing us different treasures she had collected over the years and telling us all of the special stories to go with. It was such a vivid dream. I hugged her tight and asked her not to go. As the flaky wife of her grandson, I really do not deserve the privilege of this vivid dream, but I treasure it. She was a humble, praying woman. Oh, she loved her savior! I hope to face the end as she did, hands held high in praise as she sang of standing in awe of her Lord.
REFRESHMENT! I was not crazy for having high hopes that Leila will know her Maker, and love Him with her life! It's right and good and purposeful to have high hopes that the One who rose from the dead can take care of people and situations I have no power to help, or change! The verse at the start of this blog (2 Chronicles 16:9) brought me much hope at an earlier time in our lives, and came back to me today. The Lord is actively pursuing the weakened hearts of those who love Him so that He can strengthen us. THIS BLOWS MY MIND! We are going to experience No when we want a Yes. We are going to have to say goodbye when we aren't ready. We are going to face things that we would never handpick for our lives or the lives of our loved ones, but those of us who commit our hearts fully to Jesus will always have reason to get our hopes up. His plan is a good one. His heart is trustworthy. His Mercy is new every morning. I cannot wait to share these truths with our girl, and I'm thankful I get to share them with her brothers while we wait.
Shortly after this, my childhood community lost a man whom I very much respected. He invested in me back in the day, when I was a total brat. My love for Jesus, my realization of how wrecked I was without Him, came in part because of the patient and early investment of this old friend and his amazing wife. My heart still grieves this loss, along with many others who loved him.
Really as I recall these almost 4 years since we started the adoption process, many of the people we love have experienced big losses and many have experienced wonderful gains. So much can happen in just a few years. On my side we have experienced the joy of welcoming 4 new littles, even as our hearts still ached for the 2 who went straight to Jesus before we ever got to snuggle them. We've praised God for growing the families of our friends, and cried out for Him to comfort friends whose families felt deep loss. We've rejoiced as people we love have made decisions to live renewed in Christ, and cried out for others who are yet to do the same.
I guess I'm going into all of this because I have been afraid to hope lately. That's not very pretty, is it? We have been getting disappointing news adoption wise lately (mostly in regards to delays in bringing Leila home due to riots and the unpredictable timelines for the next couple of steps). When I consider the big picture of why my heart is weary, in light of the length of this journey, and the hits along the way, I don't know why I didn't pinpoint this area of weakness right away. It's sorta just been lingering as I've continued to read my Bible and pray, and go about the usual things. I just haven't really been able to put a name to what's getting to me, until recently when this song kinda shocked me back to reality. It's called, "Get Your Hopes Up" by Josh Baldwin. Here are the words:
I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head up
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
He's brought us back to life
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In His mercy never ending
I'll remind myself
I see the sun waking up the morning, reviving dreams
I feel the wind on my back with promise, reminding me
There's a garment of praise for heaviness
There's a new song burning inside my chest
I'm living in the goodness that He brings
Get your hopes up
Lift your head up
Let your faith arise
Get your hopes up
Our God is for us
He's brought us back to life
Christ before me
Christ behind me
I am firmly held
In His mercy never ending
I'll remind myself
REFRESHMENT! I was not crazy for having high hopes that Leila will know her Maker, and love Him with her life! It's right and good and purposeful to have high hopes that the One who rose from the dead can take care of people and situations I have no power to help, or change! The verse at the start of this blog (2 Chronicles 16:9) brought me much hope at an earlier time in our lives, and came back to me today. The Lord is actively pursuing the weakened hearts of those who love Him so that He can strengthen us. THIS BLOWS MY MIND! We are going to experience No when we want a Yes. We are going to have to say goodbye when we aren't ready. We are going to face things that we would never handpick for our lives or the lives of our loved ones, but those of us who commit our hearts fully to Jesus will always have reason to get our hopes up. His plan is a good one. His heart is trustworthy. His Mercy is new every morning. I cannot wait to share these truths with our girl, and I'm thankful I get to share them with her brothers while we wait.
